


Here

by delicate_mageflower



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Anders Positive, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Justice Positive, Neurodivergent Character(s), Night Terrors, Nightmares, PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 11:00:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4917040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delicate_mageflower/pseuds/delicate_mageflower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders sees Hawke through a bad night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here

Anders sits up with a start, prodded awake by Justice, to the sound of Hawke screaming.

He reaches over to her, covered in sweat and shaking, startled from being awoken by her own cries. She takes his hand gratefully.

"I guess it's my turn tonight," she says, forcing a laugh. "I'm sorry I woke you."

"Don't be, love. Technically you didn't anyway, that one's on Justice. He must have thought you were in danger." He lets go of her hand and nudges her towards him. "Come here."

She moves in closer and puts her head in his lap, and he promptly begins running his fingers through her hair. "What was it?"

"Bethany. Watching her die. It was brutal. We were running, there were Darkspawn everywhere, we didn't have time to do anything. Maker, we just left her there. We couldn't even burn her body. There wasn't time for _anything._ Sometimes I'm not sure if I even truly remember it, or if it's just that I know what happened and my mind fills in from there. It's all still such a blur. I do remember wishing it had been me...and I remember the way my mother reacted..."

Hawke's voice cracks as she trails off, the wounds of Leandra's death still too fresh to speak ill of her. What happened had happened, but it feels wrong to think about it.

"You've never told me."

Anders places a loving hand on Hawke's cheek, and he can feel the tears streaming down it. He simply runs his thumb up and down the curves of her face. "You don't have to talk about it, of course, if you're not feeling up to it. Just know that I'm here." He smiles in reassurance, even though he knows she can't see it, and it occurs to him that it wasn't entirely meant for her. "Justice is worried for you, too, love. I think he's trying to be encouraging."

"Thank you, both of you. I am so grateful you're here. I just...I had to be the strong one after Father died. It was my job to watch out for Bethany, to keep Carver out of trouble. It was my job to look after them, to keep everyone safe. But I couldn't. When Bethany died, Mother looked me straight in the eyes and told me, 'This is your fault.' The same way Gamlen did after Mother died. _You're_ the only reason Carver's still here. You and pure dumb luck, I suppose. Seems you've done more for my family in just the last few years than I ever managed. And when I'm the last Hawke standing, I'll be the only one who has to live with it."

"Marian..."

She's digging her nails into his thigh, trying to keep herself grounded, and he just keeps touching her. Letting her know that he's there, that she's okay, that she is loved, that he understands. The way he always does, the way she always does for him whenever he's on the other side of these nights.

"Maker, it should've been me," her resolve shatters and suddenly she's sobbing. Anders tugs on her shoulders a bit and she brings her head up to his chest, which muffles her cries as she buries her face in it. He wraps his arms around her, one hand pressed into her back and the other in her hair.

"It's not your fault, Marian. It's not. There is nothing you could have done and your mother must have known that. And I'm sorry, love, I don't want to be disrespectful, but that's bullshit. That is all far too much to put on one person, and I can't understand how anyone could possibly say that to another person's face. You didn't deserve that. You don't deserve any of it."

Hawke tilts her head slightly, coming up for air as the tears slow down and her panicked breathing is beginning to even out a bit. She's been gripping his shoulders and she's not letting go, but he can feel her tension easing slightly.

"I'm sorry I never got to meet Bethany. I have no doubt she was every bit as wonderful as you've said. I do wish I could have known her, that you'd never had to go through losing her. But...maybe it's just me being selfish, but I can't see how you dying in her place would've made anyone any happier."

"I'm sure Mother would—"

"No, love. Your mother certainly put a lot on your shoulders, and any disappointment she may have felt was clearly from forgetting that you're only human, you're only one person, but surely she loved you just as much as she loved Bethany. Without you, she'd never have gotten the estate back. She must have appreciated that she got to spend the rest of her life in the home she'd missed so much."

"I know she did. That much is true, she was much happier once we'd moved. I just miss them so much. Nothing was ever perfect, of course, but I tried. I tried so hard. It just never seemed like it was good enough."

Anders kisses the top of her head, and Hawke is beginning to let herself feel the comfort of his presence, of his touch, of his voice. "Perhaps they're together now, Bethany and your parents. Wherever they are, and you'll see them again when you get there. None too soon, mind you. At least it had better not be," he laughs softly, and he can feel her lips curve slightly against his chest. Barely, but it's a start. "Someday, though. Maybe I'll even get to be there, too."

Hawke allows a quiet laugh of her own. _He's here with me and it's going to be okay,_ she tells herself. Because she knows that if there's anyone who can understand well enough to truly help, it's him. "Damn right, you'll be there. You know full well I'll tear the whole fucking Fade apart to find you if you're not."

Anders smiles to himself. "I know, love. I know. If anyone could do it, it'd be you."

For a moment they just sit there, Anders's arms still tight around Hawke, her head still resting against his chest. She can hear his heart beating, and the sound is calming.

"I think I'm going to try to fall back to sleep."

Anders simply nods, and they readjust accordingly. She keeps her head on his chest as they lie, still focused on the sound of his heartbeat as she feels her eyelids become heavier and heavier.

"Please wake me if you need me, Marian. If Justice doesn't beat you to it, of course. Promise me you will."

"I will, Anders, I promise. And you promise you'll wake me if _you_ need me?"

"Promise."

She keeps an ear close to his chest, and he wraps one arm around her as tight as he can, listening to her breathing. It's evened out substantially, and he is so grateful for it. They focus on the sounds to guide them to rest, and it's one of those beautiful rare occasions where they both manage to sleep through the remainder of the night.

**Author's Note:**

> I've very strongly headcanoned Hawke as neurodivergent from the beginning, including (but not limited to) PTSD from losing their home and various members of their family, and that Anders takes care of Hawke just as much and just as well as Hawke takes care of Anders, and I'd been trying to write that for a while. I'm pretty sure I can entirely credit some recent posts from Tumblr user bubonickitten about their practically identical headcanons for the fact that I finally managed to find enough of a muse to actually do so, though. So yeah, there's a thing.


End file.
